William Holden and Kim Novak (from Picnic, 1955)

this was my posting from Youtube, but it was too long to keep on there-


and I had two of these playing - the other once hasn't posted for some reason, this gets a little erratic...

and I was making a kind of fugue, back and forth - my own mash-up actually - because I was also thinking of this scene, of mom describing this movie to me - right at the start of the sixties, when there was this feeling that the flower children had invented sex, and mom described this scene to show that they, in fact, hadn't -


and I could show her, describing it to me and possibly get their permission to use it. because it also seems to tie in with that spectacularly romantic picture of dad in the still photos.


because I want to rent a car and g out of town and start filming the lights in the trees- take Jody’s bicycle, and do this. actually I could probably ride her bike out of the city - how hard would it be to get to someplace? actually - Staten island could pass for Depere.

"this is the only scene in a movie my mother ever described to me - she had seen Picnic when it came out, and, since this was long before there was a Youtube to play it on, before there was home video at all! (yes, I’m that old) she described it for me: "Kim Novak is in a pink chiffon dress, and she comes down the stairs, and she claps her hands to the rhythm, and she can do it right" and mom did the best job she could of a 60s Midwestern housewife imitating Kim Novak walking and clapping - "...and he takes her in his arms, and the way they move together, the way they look in each other's eyes... that was.." (and she whispered this part) "...sex!"

I do remember buying Picnic - renting it - and I watched this scene over and over and over. and read all about it - how bill Holden was nervous and self conscious about being a bad dancer-- and an alcoholic, so josh Logan let him have several drinks --

and James Wong Howe, how he lit it with those Japanese lanterns...


and I had forgotten this, that - when Picnic was finally released on VHS, and I had rushed out and bought it, and saw this scene and knew exactly what she meant -

that there was one birthday - I’d woken up, feeling very alone - I think it was when I was still in that little apartment on Jones street, in fact I know it was- so that would have been 1982, or even 83 - I would have been turning - 27? was that it?


but somehow, I think it might have been - Boston? or someone else's place, because the bed was on the floor, the light was coming in - and the jazz station was on. and I was completely alone on my birthday morning - I was missing her and having coffee by myself, and then- out of the blue - this theme from Picnic came on the radio.

and I knew she was stopping by.


so -- all of those things- can all of those things be together in a frame? because then it bleeds out into - her loneliness, her rejection of dad - and my seemingly lifelong rejection of anything like that life -

and both of us - mom in the theater- the pink and lavender flickering on her face - what a romantic she was! and she had to have been a sexual person, despite everything - a passionate person -

and I’m her daughter and I’m watching the same scene.

which she must have seen with dad. and I remember mom saying -- no, dad telling me, that after 1956 she wouldn't say I love you to dad anymore.